THE DARK KNIGHT KINDA SUCKS

Alright, I have finally had enough America.  This has gone too far.  It is August and I am still hearing about The Dark Knight.  I’m still seeing articles, reading e-mails, and getting Facebook invitations for groups petitioning to get Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar.

It has become apparent, you all take Batman way too seriously.

In my mind Batman always seemed a little silly.  A mentally deranged S&M fanatic with a fetish for bats and spanking naughty people by night, and a white billionaire playboy by day.  I mean, everyone loves attractive, white billionaires that buy and do whatever they want (see the Hiltons).  But to this extent?  The Dark Knight has practically become a religious doctrine.  With Heath Ledger as its patron saint.

Check out this post I actually read on the group wall for Heath Ledger deserves a Posthumous Oscar for his performance as the ‘Joker’

[T]he dark night was absolutely the greatest film of all time…i defended the movie’s honour [sp] and almost got in to a fist fight with a co-worker because of it. [H]eath ledger can never be replaced, any effort to fill in the vacancy will be futile[.]

James T.

Gracious!  Good work young James!  Defending a fictional film is both a valiant and noble effort!  Both myself and the Ledger estate give a shit about you and your plight!  In fact, we plan to send you ten dozen roses and a golden trophy embroidered with your name.  Then we plan to name a town after you with a giant statue in your honor, it’ll read “Here Stands James, He Once Almost Got Into A Fist Fight With A Co-Worker Over A Movie.” And then we’ll make an award named THE BEST BOY EVER AWARD with a big sparkling medallion and we’ll stab the pin into your worthless fucking skull.

America it’s time to get real; The Dark Knight is turning into more of an obsessive pop-culture movement than the good flick that it should be remembered for.  It’s also a subject strained by hyper-sensitivity.  You have to love Ledger in it ’cause he’s dead and if you don’t you’re a dick.

Well I’m here to tell you that’s not true.  You can be a dick and you can discuss things you don’t like about the movie.  It’s not perfect and it’s not yet a classic.  So with that in mind, lets discuss the things that sucked in The Dark Knight in the hope of healing and moving on:

1.) MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL IS A PUNISHMENT FROM GOD.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is probably a biblical plague of some sort.  I think I read somewhere in the bible that one day the half-duck woman with the jowl lines that lead from her nostrils to her lips would appear to star in our movies and eat our children.  Maggie Gyllenhaal belongs under a bridge with the rest of the trolls, not in a movie.  If I ever woke up and Maggie Gyllenhaal had somehow flown in through my window and started making passionate mouth love to my penis I would probably punch her in the head and start screaming “GET OFF.  BEGONE TROLL OF GONDOR.”  I made a mistake of eating a chicken salad sandwich before I saw The Dark Knight; every time Maggie Gyllenhaal appeared on screen I would belch and the theater would smell like Mayo.  It sucked.

2.)  THE PLOT IS A MESS.

The plot is pretty incoherent.  Go ahead, try running the plot through your ADHD riddled mind without veering off into some strange daydream where you’re just like this gay cowboy being held in the arms of Heath Ledger on this gay cowboy ranch where you guys make out out and feel each others biceps and raise cattle and shit.  I dare you.  I bet if you had to write it you’d go about two sentences before you started drawing hearts pierced with arrows with the words “HEATH & ME” written in the middle. You stupid homo.

Anyway, most of descriptions I’ve heard of the plot follow this template:

“Well okay.  So the Joker robs this bank.  But the bank is a front.  It’s not a bank.  It’s a mob bank.  Which I guess is like a regular bank, except it’s where the mob hides money… I THINK?  So the mob is really mad.  Then Bruce Lee shows up and uses some sort of dirty gook magic and takes the rest of money to feudal era Japan where only the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles can access it with their magic lantern.  And I uh…”

This is usually the point where the persons head either explodes or they give up altogether and just start touching each others naughty parts while discussing Heath Ledger.  What a bunch of homos.

I feel bad, but it’s just ’cause these homos have nothing else to talk about beside Ledgers performance.  It’s impossible to comprehend the story behind The Dark Knight, it’ll probably be studied by theologians for years and years to come. There is just too much going on with too little logic.

There is Harvey Dent’s character arc, which is the same as a light switch basically.  He’s ‘on’ for the first half of the film, bright and shining and then about 2/3rd’s in, he’s ‘off,’ his face has been transformed into the Terminator and he walks around flipping coins and shooting bitches screaming shit like “RACHEL.”  I guess he must have really loved the duck woman.

Then there is commissioner Gordon’s death hoax.  He hired someone to fake shoot him during a fake assassination of the fake mayor or something, but fuck it.  I already have a migraine and last time I tried to actually figure it all out I’m pretty my scalp lit on fire and I shit my pants.

And then there is the constant barrage baffling decisions made by Gotham’s semi-retarded, corrupt police force;  my favorite being a scene where the police are escorting Harvey Dent in an armored car as part of the most confusing and elaborate set up ever.  The cops run across a flaming firetruck in the road.  Lets think about this, someone killed an entire Firetrucks worth of firemen and then proceeded to light the firetruck on fire.  As a cop, you’d think there would be concern.  Who will put out that fire?  The firemen are all dead.  Well then, who killed the firemen?  Perhaps we should call someone, like the police, or maybe we should look around… because y’know… we are the police.

But instead they decided to trek down into a dark crime infested sub-level highway where they would be “sitting ducks” instead of… well, making a right turn.

Add in the mob, other vigilantes that look like Batman, a dog-proof bat suit, and some dude that is trying to blackmail Bruce Wayne and the whole thing just kind of gets muddled up.

3.) Heath Ledger is not the be all and end all of actors.

The Dark Knight was his best role.  But now his entire career is being overpraised for it, when half of his career was bullshit.  People are actually calling him the greatest actor of all time.  The greatest actor of all time?  How about A Knights Tale?  Huh? How about A FUCKING KNIGHTS TALE? Remember that bullshit?  It took place in an alternate universe where medieval serfs and peasants would beat bleachers and sing along to the tune “WE WILL ROCK YOU,” by Queen at MEDIEVAL JOUSTS.  One of the many intentional anarchism’s that screenwriter / director / mental midget Brian Helgeland placed in the movie to uh… I guess just to be a dick.  Suck my cock Brian Helgeland.  Intentionally placing anarchism’s into your movie such as 1970′s rock songs does not make you clever or edgy; it makes you stupid.  And you are a very, very stupid man Brian Helgeland.  You’re a bitch-ass hoe and I wish the worst for you and your family.

I won’t even mention Brokeback Mountain here, as it would just all be gay sex puns that have been done before.  I will mention however, that I know quite a few Black Felons (i.e. Rappers) and this movie puts the fear of God into them.

Don’t tell me those flicks are irrelevant.  The movies in which an actor stars directly corresponds to their temperament and capabilities.  I’m not saying he’s bad, in fact he is really, really good in The Dark Knight.  He just isn’t the greatest actor of all time.

It’s sad that we will not see Ledgers his Joker continue into the series (No matter what the rumors are:  Gotham is not going to be the third film staring Angelina Jolie as Catwoman and Johnny Depp as the Joker.  Which is good, because I’m sick of seeing Johnny Depp as a prancing 40-year old man that talks like he just had a stroke).  This movie has already made like eighty gazillions dollars. It’s a great success and an honorable last role for Ledger.  Nobody involved with The Dark Knight needs you to petition or get into fist-fights in its defense.  Even though the living cast members are flipping over cars and beating their mothers, I think it is safe to say that they probably sleep soundly in their vault of golden coins like Scrooge McDuck every night.  And for fucks sake, shut up about posthumous Oscars, petitioning is futile as the awards are given out by THE ACADEMY, and they do not give a fuck about what you think.  I think if you’re really supporting those groups and movements you should:

A.)  Get a job.

B.)  Really consider if Ledger would have gotten nominated for an Oscar, been as well reviewed, or propel the ticket sales to such stratospheric heights if he was still alive.  Seriously, think about that.

And then honor him by judging his actual craft, not the circumstances surrounding it.  Like I said, The Dark Knight is a good flick, not a religious doctrine.  So why so serious everybody?