I’m finally done with schooling. To celebrate, I spent $100+ to help my friend Jessica move into her new apartment in Michigan. Let me tell you before I go any further: Never go to Michigan. It is the place where dreams go to be brutally beaten to a bloody, gory death and die. I’m pretty sure the landscape is fertilized with dead puppies and that the greatest thing to do there on a Friday night is the occasional cosmic bowling which, for Michiganites, is of epic proportions.
In fact, I’m deeming Michigan the first "Retirement Community State." Michigan wants you! Your senile, your boring, your retarded. The entire state is powered on depression and exports boredom by the truckload.
You might be saying "HAY DAN INTARWEB BLOGGAR GUY. I HAVE A FRIEND / FAMILY / DOG THAT LIVES IN MICHIGAN AND IT’S A’IGHT." But you are dumb and I am much smarter than you.
Anyway, while in Michigan I went along with Joe Marcello (Who was under the Alias of Pietro at the time) to score pot from some dude named Smooth . He sold us what he considered to be the weed that defined our generation . And by the weed that defined our generation, he meant complete and utter shit. He soaked the weed in water to make it more robust, luscious, and welcoming . But instead we were left with a lackluster product that was both lumpy and soggy, much like my grandpa after he gets out of the shower.
Then he took us back to his apartment. We sat at his kitchen table and smoked a blunt with him, ashing it into an old pizza box right in the middle.
"Ya’ll know how to shoot?" He shook his hand toward the table indicating the tossing of dice.
I thought he was talking about heroin. I twitched nervously in my chair and shuffled my feet. He stared at me waiting for an answer. Every moment that passed in silence I felt like a balloon filling with hot air until I finally blurst: "NAW MAN I’M NOT INTO THAT STUFF I DON’T LIKE HYPODERMIC NEEDLES THEY KIND OF FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT DUDE NO THANKS BUT THANKS FOR THE OFFER BUT I’M NOT INTERESTED YOU’RE KINDA COOL OH GOD PLEASE DON’T KILL ME. "
He raised an eyebrow at me, "Naw man… like shoot ," he repeats the gesture.
"Like craps," Joe says.
I regain my sexy posture and confidence, "No Sir, I believe that I do not know how to shoot ." "I’ll show you." He pulls a pair of red dice out of his pocket and starts explaining.
Being that I was under the influence it suddenly seemed liked this smooth young man was speaking another language to me. He babbled about Seven’s and Starting Numbers and Points .
Now I am not the most hip person you will ever meet. I like Nirvana and the Kurtis Cobains and I think Starcraft is a simply delightful game . So when people attempt to speak street to me they might as well just make walrus noises and wildly square dance , it would convey the same amount of meaning to me. One time I tried to sing that one Mike Jones song… Y’know I Need A Dime ? But I got it all wrong. My version went:
Dear Sir, I formally request a dime, that is of the utmost caliber.
With a cute face, a slim waste, and a big behind. Also, I enjoy my women to have various mental defects as I find that it makes them quite charming.
Most of my friends corrected this, but I found their version to be both vulgar and disturbing. I still prefer my own personal version to this day.
A few blunts and dice rolls later Joe all of a sudden is out $75 dollars. I have lost $1 much to Smooth’s dismay as he verbally taunts and threatens me to put in more than $1. He looks to his friend Allen.
"Look Nigga!" He flicks all of the bills in his hand and lets out an maniacal laugh. I feel somewhat uncomfortable that this young man is cocky enough to taunt the fact that he just hustled us to his cohort, but I am intrigued nonetheless.
I don’t really remember much. Except that we later stumbled back into Jessica’s apartment and ranted about how pissed we were that we lost money and got really shitty weed and everyone laughed at us.
The lesson I realized from this is that Michigan is so brutally boring and depressing that all of it’s inhabitants become inherently evil . If you ever meet someone from Detroit, reach for the nearest blunt object and beat them to death. You’ll be doing them a favor.